That also stirs up the situation with my neighbor.  I’ve seen him once since Bill was here.  I have purposely been avoiding him because i have very little self control.  Well, I used to.  For some reason, this long distance thing has changed me and i’m hoping it is just because of the circumstances and not a permanent thing.  neighbor guy knows about bill.  i sort of explained the situation to him. so maybe that will help things.  I don’t think the fact that i really enjoying making out with the neighbor is a sign that i don’t love or want to be with bill.  i honestly think it’s just a physical thing. we have absolutely nothing in common and whenever we’ve hungout, we have a ton of awkward silences.  i think it’s just a by product of being 30, horny, and lonely. and he’s pretty damn accessible.

why does it all have to be so complicated?

on a positive note, i’ve started working as a temp so at least i’m getting out of the house and making money. hopefully, things will keep moving forward!  i’ll really try to be better about updating.  i’m so lazy sometimes.

but, i also feel guilty.  bill and i have both agreed we don’t expect the other person to be perfect when there are 1400 miles between us.  but, i still feel guilty sleeping with my neighbor the week before bill gets here.  sometimes i wonder what i’m doing.  and sometimes i think i should tell him.  but, i think that would do more harm than good.  because we have the mutual understanding, i don’t think he needs to know about all my hookups out here.  if/when he moves out here, i’ll be a one man woman and that is all that matters.

i’m curious to see how this weekend will go.  we always have a great time together.  i know he’s been working hard to find a job out here.  i think he truly wants to make this work and i sort of feel like sleeping with other people shows i don’t.  which is not true. i do want things to work.  i think it really comes down to my crazy libido right now.  which doesn’t make it right, but again, i’m not expected to be perfect out here.  my mind is continually confused with thoughts about bill and our relationship.  am i stupid for waiting? have  i waited too long? am i waiting long enough? is it worth it? is he worth it?  he’s a good guy. and good guys are hard to come by.  can’t say i’ve met any so far in the 6mths i’ve been here, though i’m not honestly looking.

i guess i just have to see what happens this weekend and the next few weeks. i joking sent him engagement ring ideas tonight.  i DO NOT at all think he’s ready for that and am not sure i am either, though i probably wouldn’t say No.  it really was just a joke (well, they were honest suggestions) because i know him well enough to know he won’t freak out. i like to test the limit with him. i’ve done it from the beginning. i’ve always been able to be completely honest with him and from the start i was always asking him “where is this going?” and never once did it freak him out (the fact that the one ring is $5000 might freak him out, but that’s about it…).

my mom and her BF arrive first thing in the morning.  bill arrives friday evening.  i doubt i’ll be updating at all in the next 5 days, but i’m sure i’ll have a lot to write about come Tuesday.  i’ve also decided…and i want everyone to hold me accountable for this….but i am officially starting the book next week.  i’m not working, i’m bored out of my mind. why the hell am i not writing the damn thing?? it could be my claim to fame and my slacking isn’t getting me there any sooner!

grr….enough about that. so last night. damn! i had a feeling it would be good and holy fuck it was! from my research, when it comes to sex, older is the way to go. he’s 36 and definitely knows what he’s doing. and he has great recovery time. i think we did it like 3x back to back. impressive if you ask me! so in one night we’ve done it half the number of times i’ve done it with B in the last year. see! i think i have a valid point.

i do feel a bit guilty, but i also don’t. i’ve been sitting out here 6mths waiting for B to take some initiative to get his ass out here. until he makes the move, i will not feel the need to be “good”. i don’t want to feel like my time is being wasted.

so yes, i am again jobless. what a fabulous place to be! but, i should get unemployment this time so i’ll be ok. i’ll be bored and broke but i can provide a roof over my head, a car in the driveway (well on the street) and food in my belly. i knew the job wasn’t working out, so i guess i’m not surprised and not entirely disappointed. as long as i get unemployment, it will allow me the ability to find the ‘right’ job..if such a thing exists.

not much has developed with neighbor guy lately. some very minor makeout sessions but nothing exciting to write about. bill FINALLY started applying to jobs out here. i basically threatened him and told him i was going to move on and i guess that’s all he needed. we’ll see how much effort he puts into it. i told him i’m done doing anything on my part. it’s all up to him! we’ll see…..

i can now go back to writing my book. i have to start it all over again, but i wasn’t that far along and i still have the intro saved so i’ll be ok.

i’m excited to be back!

i went home for Christmas.  my first trip home since i moved.  it was weird going there to ‘visit’.  i have to say, as soon as the plane landed, i knew why i left.  it was sunny flying the whole way home until we reached my home state.  and amazingly, it got incredible cloudy.  Bill picked me up at the airport.  despite my shenanigans, it was SO great to see him!  i miss him terribly out here though i’m sure my actions don’t seem that way a lot of times.  there’s a difference between the way one acts and the way one feels. i love him and i want more than anything to be with him but at this point, that isn’t happening and so i do what i feel i need to in order to fill the time and not think about it so much.

so anyway, i had a great time home! it was SO good to see everyone. i had a fabulous time with my friends and family.  i missed everyone so much. i got to spend 4 days with Bill, 2 days with my BFF, and i got to see my fave NFL team live win in the last 6 seconds. You can’t beat that!  The weather was of course cloudy and crappy the whole time.   Oddly enough, I got incredibly homesick on the flight home.  I cried as the plane took off and i cried as i landed.  I felt like I was coming back to nothing (besides the gorgeous sunshine and scenery). 

a couple days after i last posted, I went out with Amanda.  We went to see the Nutcracker and then dinner and drinks.  the first place we went to drink was a champagne bar downtown.  it was a really cool place. Amanda started talking to someone at the bar next to us.  he came with us to another place called Lavish and that is the last thing i remember.  i don’t know if he is to blame, but i had not had that much to drink by that time and i remember absolute nothing after that.  i have no doubt someone slipped me a roofie….i didn’t even know people still do that!  apparently we left Lavish and went to another bar…i don’t remember that.  then we went to yet another bar and apparently i got kicked out of that one because i couldn’t walk or stand up straight. i woke up the next morning having no clue what happened.  i asked Amanda what happened and she briefly told me what happened.  i didn’t get much response from her after that and i was afraid that crazy night had tarnished the one close friendship i had developed out here.  so, coming home, i felt like i was starting at square one, but thankfully, that was not the case.  apparently she was just busy with finding an apt and work and stuff.  we’ve hungout a few times since i got back and things are just fine between us, thankfully!

so, things with my job are not going so well.  I should’ve known if it seems too good to be true, it always is.  a really good paying job that allows me to work at home in my pjs everyday? yeah, too good to be true…within the past couple weeks, my job has become pretty much an over paid admin job.  which, some would say “who cares? you make good money”. well, i care.  i went to college a long time to do something i enjoy; not to be someone’s admin bitch.  to try to make this long story short, my job became pretty much nothing but scheduling meetings and travel for the VP of our dept who is clearly on a power trip.  i messed one thing up because i didn’t get a lot of training on it and apparently, she no longer wants me to ‘support’ her.  not only is this embarassing, but apparently, it is going to result in a decrease in hours (though i don’t know how much yet).  so, my well paying  job will no longer be so well paying.  it’s bad enough i’m a contractor so i get no benefits or PTO, but now i’ll also be bringing home a lot less money.  it’s a total slap to the face.  if they wanted to hire an admin asst, they should have advertised and hired an admin asst.  i am not one and have never desired to be one.  so, it’s back on the job hunting train…yet again!  it’s so frustrating.

onward…so, NYE was pretty uneventful.  hung out with my friend Aric and then went to a gathering one of my neighbors was having.  it was fun; low-key.  however, there was definitely a ‘tension’ between me and the guy who lives above me. i’ve actually felt it since the moment i moved in.  thought maybe something would happen that night…after all, it’s NYE and everyone drinks excessively.  but, nothing happened. 

last monday, i was sitting around drinking for some reason (i was kind of depressed over something but can’t remember what).  and i was outside with the dogs when my neighbor came home. we chatted for a while and i went up to his place to hangout.  well, of course, i was drunk and i was right there was a ‘tension’.  he came down to my place and we started making out. holy moly, he’s a phenomenal kisser!  i mean, one of the best.  I was a bit surprised, though he is 36 and should be by that age.  but still.  i’ve kissed a lot of people so to kiss someone and it be that great, is a little surprising.  i was good.  we didn’t sleep together or anything.  wasn’t sure what to make of it.  but, Friday i made the mistake of having a few glasses of wine and so i stumbled upstairs to invite him down to watch a movie.  he was in the middle of something but came down a little bit later.  sure enough, didn’t take long and we were going at it.  seriously, i think i’m developing an addiction to kissing this guy.  it’s bizarre.  i’m really not at all thinking about or looking for anything else with anyone until i see what happens with Bill (who is supposedly sending resumes out here).  but, all i can think about is kissing this guy.  last night, happened again.  thankfully, i’m too smart to keep condoms  around because i know i won’t do anything without one and i know how easy it is for me to do something after drinking, so it has stayed with just some heavy making out.  but here i am again, not even drunk tonight sitting here thinking about knocking on his door to makeout tonight.  what is wrong with me?  yes, i have no doubt it has something to do with reaching my 30s.  they aren’t kidding when they say women hit their ‘peak’ at 30. the change in my libido in the last 8 or so mths has been crazy.  a lot of times it’s all i can think about.  and it’s hard to have the person you love be SO far away.  i guess that’s how i justify kissing other people. it’s all confusing and i’m trying to do what i can to get through it and stay happy.  and i guess, right now that involves making out with people….or at least with neighbor (BTW, what is it with me and my damn neighbors out here??)

so, that is a very Cliffs Notes version of the past month and a half.  a lot of other stuff happened that i really felt wasn’t necessary to mention at this point. despite not having my own laptop, i will try to start keeping up with this better.  i finally started my book and then the damn laptop crashed so i’m stuck until i get it fixed.  figures!

Anyway, back to my title.  So, I’ve been talking to this guy on FB.  We’ve never met.  Apparently, we were at the same bar on Halloween and he recognized me.  When he joined FB, it suggested people in his area and I popped up.  Anywho, he’s russian and HOT.  Holy cow!  If he looks anything like his pictures….wooza!  We message back and forth on FB several times a day, yet we’ve never met.  He had to go to Fl for a couple weeks to deal with some family stuff so he doesn’t have as much access to msg me, though he makes sure to a couple times a day.  It’s weird.  I miss him.  But, is that possible having never met him?  It’s not the same kind of missing that i have for Bill (and yes, i told him about Bill).  It’s strange.  We don’t ever talk about anything super important.  Just random chit chat.  I doubt I’ll get to meet him until after the holidays, but I guess that might be good because I’ll probably have a better understanding of what is happening with Bill.

I know the above paragraph sounds bad.  I do miss Bill…a lot!  I can’t wait to see him in 2 weeks.  Seeing someone you love once in 5mths really sucks.  I’m just hesitant that he is all talk and he really isn’t going to do anything about moving out here.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

It seems like there is always some dilemma going on….

On a brighter note, I finally started my book last night.  I barely wrote anything but  I was laying in bed and the introduction came to me.  I didn’t want to get out of bed so I grabbed my BB and created a note to get my thoughts down.  I need to really start working on it.  I’d love to be done with it in 6mths.

Moving on.  I finally gave Bill a deadline to make a decision.  I guess an ultimatum was a bad idea.  He said he was not ready to move.  He knew he should but he just couldn’t do it.  I cried for so long.  I was expecting that answer but it didn’t make it any easier to hear.  I also knew he would realize he made a mistake.  He called me the next day saying he missed me and it sucked us not being together.  We talked for a while that night he said he knows he needs to make a change, it’s just hard to do it.   He’s reconsidering and going to start sending out resumes here and see what happens.  I’m so happy, but still cautious and I am not putting my life on hold for him until i know he’s coming out here.  Why should I? I’ve given him plenty of opportunity to commit.  I still love him and hope more than anything that he comes out here, but I’m going to have fun in the meantime.

Halloween was an interesting weekend, but fun.  I went out Friday night with KC and a couple of his friends.  I ended up meeting a really cool girl, so that was definitely a plus!  It was a crazy night and I actually sung karaoke.  I’m pretty sure that was the first time.  The next night i was going to a party with Amanda.  That ended up being more fun than we thought.  We met some fun people and went downtown after wards.  I made the mistake of drinking wine and vodka (though not together!).  I proceeded to lose my purse 3 times throughout the evening.  By the end of the evening I had lost my keys and camera.  I start crying and I’m sure, looked like an idiot.  Everyone tried to console me, but I was freaking out about getting home to the dogs.  My landlords live in Boston, it’s not like they could just swing by and give e a set of keys.  Having no keys, Amanda and I had to stay with the guys.  After devouring a sidewalk 1am burrito, we all jumped in a cab and went back to Mike’s.  We played a bit of Wii before going to bed.  Amanda passed out on the couch, so I slept in bed with Mike. I think we kissed once before passing out.  True to form, he is 25.  The next morning we all got up and went to breakfast.  I’m obsessed with the breakfast burritos at this one place.  Right before we left, for some unknown reason, I stuck my hand in my bra and what did I discover? My keys!  Apparently, I had decided it was a good idea since I kept losing my purse.  I felt like a jackass but at least I found them.  We called the bar and amazingly enough, they had my camera! Score! It ended up being a successful night.  The place I love for breakfast serves alcohol (how can you not love that??).  So me and the one guy decided to start drinking again (i like to pretend I’m 23 sometimes).  After breakfast, everyone came to my place for some boxed wine and Anchorman.  It was fun.  We all needed a little break, but Mike was planning on coming back that evening.  He came back around 7pm and we watched a movie and proceeded to make-out for a couple hours.  That’s what happens when you drink all day.  Needless to say, I was exhausted for a couple days after that weekend.

The next weekend was fairly uneventful.  Amanda was out of town, so I decided to take it easy.  I did hangout with Mike that Friday night.  Some old school Nintendo, beer, and making out made for an enjoyable evening.  Sunday, I met up with my friend Aric to watch football.  He is also a fan of my team.  Bill and I met him when he was out here.  He’s become my Sunday Funday buddy.  I drank quite a bit.

I am happy to report i finally was able to obtain a vehicle again!  I love it.  It’s an SUV Hybrid.  Can’t believe I broke down and got an SUV, but it’s awesome.  Only problem is I cannot parallel park it and I live in the city.  It’s quite interesting to watch and I’m hoping eventually I’ll get the hang of it.

I also got an amazing job! One of the jobs I had been hoping to get.  I am making 20% more than I ever have, my boss is awesome, and I get to work from home.  Again, God came through for me.  This job has actually made me feel the 3mths of unemployment was worth it.  This job is a great opportunity and can open a lot of doors.  It will also allow me to catch up on bills quickly and start a savings.

I guess I should explain the hot pocket.  I went out Wed with my friend Kyle and his friend Shawna.  She was so much fun!   We went to a local dive bar (actually  the place Jon took me on our first ‘date’….should’ve known then he lacked class.  Anywho, this cute guy started talking to us.  I turned on the flirting a little bit to see what would happen.  I noticed there were hot pockets in the vending machine (apparently that was the bar’s way of providing food).  I pointed it out to him because i thought it was funny.  Shawna and I went outside to smoke and next thing I know, he comes outside and hands me a hot pocket!  It may be the most interesting way a guy has tried to pick me up.  But, it was so funny, it worked.  He left and went to another bar with his friends but gave me his number.  Kyle wanted to go home early so Shawna went to meet Jeremy and his friends.  We had a blast.  They were a fun group and there were fun people there.  Two crazy gay guys who were cracking me up.  And again, true to form one of them grabbed my boobs.  Apparently men, regardless of sexual orientation love boobs.  .  I lost Shawna somewhere along the way.  Jeremy came home with me and we made out for a while but then he went home.  I’m proud of myself for restraining.  I’d feel too guilty having sex with someone until I know what’s going on with Bill.  Making out is one thing, but sex is another.  Plus, since I don’t have benefits yet, I had to go off the pill and that is a chance i’m not willing to make with some random guy.

I think that pretty much brings us up to speed.  Thankfully, I have a lot of positivity in my life now.  I knew things would work out here and I guess 3 months really isn’t that long considering i moved across the country.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been and am so happy I made the decision to move!

on to a happier topic.  bill came out last weekend.  i was nervous. it had been 2 1/2mths since i’d seen him and our relationship had made some major developments.  but, as soon as i saw him at baggage claim, the fears were cast aside and i was beyond happy.  i hugged him forever.  i heard someone once say “you don’t know how much you miss someone until you see them”.  i thought i knew how much i missed him, but i was wrong.  amazingly enough, i missed him even more!  we spent Friday downtown for a couple drinks. after i started to get a little tipsy, i confessed about my relationship with jon (not in great detail!). a part of me felt guilty and needed to get it off my chest. he was ok with it.  after all, we weren’t in a relationship at the time.  saturday we went to my favorite breakfast place and then up into the mountains.  it was a gorgeous day.  one thing i love about him, there is never an ‘awkward silence’.  that boy can talk more than anyone you’ve ever met…lol  it’s almost impossible to get a word in edgewise.  and he’s so funny! always making me laugh.  he actually reminds me of Chandler on ‘Friends’ because he cracks a lot of jokes when he gets nervous or uncomfortable.  that night we went to dinner.  sunday we went downtown to a sports bar to watch football.  i had some massive p.m.s going on, so i was a bit irritable, but we ended up having a great time.  i knew i was going to cry when he left, but i wasn’t prepared for my reaction (i’m sure the beer and pms did not help the situation).  we were barely in the car and the tears started flowing.  by the time we got to the airport, i was pretty much hysterical.  we ended up getting there late, so there wasn’t much time for goodbye. i told him i loved him and hoped he’d make the decision to move out here.  he told me he loved me and not to worry so much.  as he was riding the escalator down, he turned around and told me he loved me again.  i’m sure everyone in the airport thought i was nuts because i was crying so hard.  i found the nearest bar, plopped myself down and cried into a beer.  eventually i figured i should catch the shuttle home and cried the whole way.  on the walk to my apt, i stopped and got some beer and chinese food.  i came home, ate, drank, and cried until i passed out.  all in all i’d say i cried about 6-7hrs. it’s very emotionally draining.

i actually feel pretty positive about the situation.  a part of me will be surprised if he actually gets the balls to move out here, but a part of me wouldn’t be.  i know he loves me and we have a great time together.  he is good at handling my neurosis and neither one of us ever knows what’s going to come out of the other’s mouth.  keeps things interesting.  we have great chemistry and he’s coming along in the affection department.  just hearing him say ‘i love you’ in person was enough to melt my heart because i know how difficult it is for him to say it. i told him i’d give him some time to think about things.  i don’t expect him to make a decision a couple days after being out here.  but, i also told him i can’t wait forever.  i need to know if he is going to work towards getting out here.  if he isn’t, then i need to learn to move on.

a couple weeks ago, i had an interesting text conversation with jon.  he’s such an immature asshole, it isn’t even worth giving him the time to talk about it.  i’m just glad he is out of my life and i didn’t fuck things up with bill over him.

so like i said, i’ve started making some good friends out here.  i also started working.  things were finally starting to look up and now i have this eviciton mess.  will it ever end??  seems like i take 1 step forward and 5 steps back.

i’ll really try to be better about keeping up with this.  seems like i go through phases.  what i really need to do is start putting it down in book format and get that going…who knows? it could be the claim to fame i’ve been waiting for!

just as i suspected, i did not see TI when he was out here.  he gave me every excuse possible. i told him i was sick of him dicking me around and he always canceled on me. i felt like he only wants me when he knows he can’t have me.  he apologized and said he’d try to meet up with me…blah, blah, blah.  well, he invited me to his friend’s house saturday for a bbq. not having a car, it was going to be difficult to get there, but i said i’d try. he texted me 2hrs before i was supposed to go and told me he was already drunk. i asked him if he’d still be concious by the time i got there and he said he didn’t know.  well, there was obviously no reason for me to bother going. i was a bit peev’d by that but whatever. that was the end of that. i’m done playing his games.  what is the point of talking when he always cancels on me? i think the only reason i saw him so much before I left is because he knew i was leaving.  i should have let things go a long time ago, but i’m an emotional masochist.  i decided to let things go and move on.

things with jon ended a lot sooner and somewhat easier than i thought.  the weekend TI was in town, jon invited me to hangout with him and his friends on saturday. since i already got shunned by TI, i figured i needed to at least get out of the house and not think about it.  i didn’t want to sleep with jon so i figured if we were together around his friends, i would have to worry about that.  he made dinner for everyone and then he had a concert to go to. i went downtown with a couple of his friends.  i had a blast.  he planned on meeting up with us after the concert. i guess he left his wallet at home (who does that on a sat night?) so he couldn’t get into the bar. he texted me but i obviously didn’t hear it. he sent his friend in to get me and i didn’t want to leave. i was having a good time and actually making friends for once.  well, i guess after he sat outside for aobut 15min he left. i went out to find him and he was gone. then, i dropped my ID trying to get back in and the bouncer said i was too drunk so he wouldn’t let me back in. nice dude! way to be on a power trip.  i was freaking out because everyone i knew was still inside. as i’m standing outside trying to figure out what to do, i get a text from jon “fuck you”.  umm…ok.  next one “you self centered bitch. way to alienate the only person out here who cares about you”.  WTF?!? are you kidding me? ok. maybe i was wrong for not rushing outside to meet him.  or maybe i had every right to keep enjoying myself and not jump when he told me to.  either way, his response was completely unnecessary and not a way a guy should talk to me.  since i was drunk, i got upset but by the time i woke up the next morning i was livid.  what gives him the right to talk to me like that?? it was not my fault he left his ID at home and not being in a ‘relationship’, i had no obligation to running at his every beck and call.  and the first time he gets upset with me, that is how he reacts?? umm…no thanks.  i guess he isn’t as nice of a guy as i thought.  (i did manage to find someone to sneak me in the back of the bar so i found my group again).  he still had the spare keys to my apt from when i was gone and i left 3 beers in his fridge.  i told him to let me know when i could come get my stuff.  that week he proceeded to only call me when it was almost dark to come get my stuff.  umm…great.  i really want to walk 20min each way in the dark. by the following weekend, i was fed up.  again, he called me sunday at 6:30 to tell me he was home. he had all weekend to let me stop by. i was pissed. my friend Brad told me he’d take me after work to get it. i sent jon a text telling him i’d be there around 9pm to get my stuff.  well that ended up being more like 10pm, but i called him on the way.  no answer. got to his place. no answer.  the door guy knows me so he let me in.  went up to his apt and knocked.  no answer.  thankfully he is idiot enough to not lock his doors.  i walk in and no one is there.  both bedroom doors were closed (he has a roommate). i know he only closes his when he goes to bed.  i knock on his door several times. no answer.  so i go in. i turn on the lights and there he is ass naked curled up in the fetal position sleeping.  one of the funniest and most unattractive things i’ve ever seen! i tried looking for my keys and no luck.  so i shook him to wake him up.  he must have been passed out from smoking because it took me a good 5min to wake him up and then another 5 min to get him to comprehensibly tell me where my keys were.  i threw his sweatshirt that i had on the floor, turned off the light and told him it’d be fun doing business with him.  i grabbed my keys, the one beer still left in the fridge and i shut the door on that relationship for good.  they always start out so nice and sweet and then somewhere along the way, the true asshole surfaces.  but, like i said, it ended up being a lot faster than easier than i thought it was going to be

so that brings me to bill.  we are finally, officially a couple   not sure how or when it happened…it just happened. he comes out here in 10 days and i can’t wait! it’s hard being this far away from someone you love.  though i know it’s the only reason we are together.  he had to lose what he had to realize it. he’s slowly getting better with the whole expressing emotion thing and the fact that he would even commit to a relationship is a HUGE step forward for us.

so i’ll end it with that.  i started with 3 and ended with the one i really wanted anyway.  i have plenty more to write but will stop here for now.  this is enough to read.  i have no clue what will happen between bill and i but i am very excited to find out! (and even more excited to get laid in 10 days!  lol )