so bill arrives in 2 days. i am SO excited to see him! i really am. the closer it gets, the more excited i get to see him. i think he knows he’s losing me. he has been very sweet lately. has left me several apologetic VMs after missing calls, he’s sent me several complimentary test messages, and he got a little choked up on Vday (he realized i was his first Valentine). granted, this all has made me feel guilty. i hooked up with neighbor boy again on saturday. it was fabulous! the man definitely has talent. we’ve hung out a few other random times and i’m pretty sure the attraction is purely physical. we have absolutely nothing in common and quite often, have long periods of awkward silence. i seriously just don’t know what to talk to him about. but maybe that’s good. i really only need him for the physical. i’m already emotionally involved with bill.
but, i also feel guilty. bill and i have both agreed we don’t expect the other person to be perfect when there are 1400 miles between us. but, i still feel guilty sleeping with my neighbor the week before bill gets here. sometimes i wonder what i’m doing. and sometimes i think i should tell him. but, i think that would do more harm than good. because we have the mutual understanding, i don’t think he needs to know about all my hookups out here. if/when he moves out here, i’ll be a one man woman and that is all that matters.
i’m curious to see how this weekend will go. we always have a great time together. i know he’s been working hard to find a job out here. i think he truly wants to make this work and i sort of feel like sleeping with other people shows i don’t. which is not true. i do want things to work. i think it really comes down to my crazy libido right now. which doesn’t make it right, but again, i’m not expected to be perfect out here. my mind is continually confused with thoughts about bill and our relationship. am i stupid for waiting? have i waited too long? am i waiting long enough? is it worth it? is he worth it? he’s a good guy. and good guys are hard to come by. can’t say i’ve met any so far in the 6mths i’ve been here, though i’m not honestly looking.
i guess i just have to see what happens this weekend and the next few weeks. i joking sent him engagement ring ideas tonight. i DO NOT at all think he’s ready for that and am not sure i am either, though i probably wouldn’t say No. it really was just a joke (well, they were honest suggestions) because i know him well enough to know he won’t freak out. i like to test the limit with him. i’ve done it from the beginning. i’ve always been able to be completely honest with him and from the start i was always asking him “where is this going?” and never once did it freak him out (the fact that the one ring is $5000 might freak him out, but that’s about it…).
my mom and her BF arrive first thing in the morning. bill arrives friday evening. i doubt i’ll be updating at all in the next 5 days, but i’m sure i’ll have a lot to write about come Tuesday. i’ve also decided…and i want everyone to hold me accountable for this….but i am officially starting the book next week. i’m not working, i’m bored out of my mind. why the hell am i not writing the damn thing?? it could be my claim to fame and my slacking isn’t getting me there any sooner!
