i'M nOt CrAzY. i'M eMoTiOnAlLy ChAlLeNgEd

i have SO much to update from this past weekend…..stay tuned!

so bill arrives in 2 days. i am SO excited to see him!  i really am. the closer it gets, the more excited i get to see him.  i think he knows he’s losing me. he has been very sweet lately. has left me several apologetic VMs after missing calls, he’s sent me several complimentary test messages, and he got a little choked up on Vday (he realized i was his first Valentine).  granted, this all has made me feel guilty.  i hooked up with neighbor boy again on saturday.  it was fabulous! the man definitely has talent.  we’ve hung out a few other random times and i’m pretty sure the attraction is purely physical.  we have absolutely nothing in common and quite often, have long periods of awkward silence.  i seriously just don’t know what to talk to him about.  but maybe that’s good.  i really only need him for the physical.  i’m already emotionally involved with bill.

but, i also feel guilty.  bill and i have both agreed we don’t expect the other person to be perfect when there are 1400 miles between us.  but, i still feel guilty sleeping with my neighbor the week before bill gets here.  sometimes i wonder what i’m doing.  and sometimes i think i should tell him.  but, i think that would do more harm than good.  because we have the mutual understanding, i don’t think he needs to know about all my hookups out here.  if/when he moves out here, i’ll be a one man woman and that is all that matters.

i’m curious to see how this weekend will go.  we always have a great time together.  i know he’s been working hard to find a job out here.  i think he truly wants to make this work and i sort of feel like sleeping with other people shows i don’t.  which is not true. i do want things to work.  i think it really comes down to my crazy libido right now.  which doesn’t make it right, but again, i’m not expected to be perfect out here.  my mind is continually confused with thoughts about bill and our relationship.  am i stupid for waiting? have  i waited too long? am i waiting long enough? is it worth it? is he worth it?  he’s a good guy. and good guys are hard to come by.  can’t say i’ve met any so far in the 6mths i’ve been here, though i’m not honestly looking.

i guess i just have to see what happens this weekend and the next few weeks. i joking sent him engagement ring ideas tonight.  i DO NOT at all think he’s ready for that and am not sure i am either, though i probably wouldn’t say No.  it really was just a joke (well, they were honest suggestions) because i know him well enough to know he won’t freak out. i like to test the limit with him. i’ve done it from the beginning. i’ve always been able to be completely honest with him and from the start i was always asking him “where is this going?” and never once did it freak him out (the fact that the one ring is $5000 might freak him out, but that’s about it…).

my mom and her BF arrive first thing in the morning.  bill arrives friday evening.  i doubt i’ll be updating at all in the next 5 days, but i’m sure i’ll have a lot to write about come Tuesday.  i’ve also decided…and i want everyone to hold me accountable for this….but i am officially starting the book next week.  i’m not working, i’m bored out of my mind. why the hell am i not writing the damn thing?? it could be my claim to fame and my slacking isn’t getting me there any sooner!

um. so yeah. i hooked up with my neighbor last night. i knew it was bound to happen. i was hoping it wouldn’t be until after B’s visit in a couple weeks because I really just don’t see him moving out here. he doesn’t seem to want to put forth the effort to get out here. i think if i really thought he was i wouldn’t be hooking up with neighbors. and i know him well enough to know when he’s out here, we’ll maybe have sex 2x. i’m not sure we have compatible sex drives. let’s see…we’ve been dating on and off for a year now and we’ve had sex maybe 6x. yeah. when he was here in October, 3 days….sex once! at Christmas when i was home…with him 4 days, sex twice! seriously?!? i’m a 30 yr old!! even when i wasn’t, i’ve always been a pretty big fan of sex. i’ve dated guy where we’d do it 2-3x a day both days of the weekend. and now, i get it once every 3mths? come on! and to him, it’s weird to have sex during the day. seriously? sex is great any time of day. so i’m not sure…i have some major concerns about it…i feel like i’m always pushing him to have sex. seems a bit strange to me. esp when i go months without seeing him. maybe i’m just conjuring up all the doubts i can because i’m really starting to think he’s not coming out here. i think if he really wanted to, he’d be out here by now. i’ve been out here 6mths! and as far as i know, he’s sent out like 5 resumes. i’ve sent out 30 in the past 2 weeks. granted, i have no job, but if i was in his shoes and i wanted to move to be with the person i love, i’d do whatever it takes to make that happen.

grr….enough about that. so last night. damn! i had a feeling it would be good and holy fuck it was! from my research, when it comes to sex, older is the way to go. he’s 36 and definitely knows what he’s doing. and he has great recovery time. i think we did it like 3x back to back. impressive if you ask me! so in one night we’ve done it half the number of times i’ve done it with B in the last year. see! i think i have a valid point.

i do feel a bit guilty, but i also don’t. i’ve been sitting out here 6mths waiting for B to take some initiative to get his ass out here. until he makes the move, i will not feel the need to be “good”. i don’t want to feel like my time is being wasted.