i'M nOt CrAzY. i'M eMoTiOnAlLy ChAlLeNgEd

Needless to say Mr. Hot Pocket turned out to be an asshole….oh well, no harm no foul.  Even his friend said he was an asshole, so it’s not just me.

Anyway, back to my title.  So, I’ve been talking to this guy on FB.  We’ve never met.  Apparently, we were at the same bar on Halloween and he recognized me.  When he joined FB, it suggested people in his area and I popped up.  Anywho, he’s russian and HOT.  Holy cow!  If he looks anything like his pictures….wooza!  We message back and forth on FB several times a day, yet we’ve never met.  He had to go to Fl for a couple weeks to deal with some family stuff so he doesn’t have as much access to msg me, though he makes sure to a couple times a day.  It’s weird.  I miss him.  But, is that possible having never met him?  It’s not the same kind of missing that i have for Bill (and yes, i told him about Bill).  It’s strange.  We don’t ever talk about anything super important.  Just random chit chat.  I doubt I’ll get to meet him until after the holidays, but I guess that might be good because I’ll probably have a better understanding of what is happening with Bill.

I know the above paragraph sounds bad.  I do miss Bill…a lot!  I can’t wait to see him in 2 weeks.  Seeing someone you love once in 5mths really sucks.  I’m just hesitant that he is all talk and he really isn’t going to do anything about moving out here.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

It seems like there is always some dilemma going on….

On a brighter note, I finally started my book last night.  I barely wrote anything but  I was laying in bed and the introduction came to me.  I didn’t want to get out of bed so I grabbed my BB and created a note to get my thoughts down.  I need to really start working on it.  I’d love to be done with it in 6mths.

Wow. I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I blogged!  I’ve definitely been slacking.  A LOT has changed.  Let’s start with my living situation.  As always, though without a moment to spare, God came through.  I was able to find and rent an apt 2 days before I got evicted.  It is a condo in an huge old historical building.  The owners didn’t run a credit check, so I didn’t have to worry about that. And, I love this place even better!  It’s got so much charm.  The living room, dining room, and kitchen are one big open room, but the kitchen and d. room are elevated. While it is a garden level apt, the windows go from the ceiling down so the whole window is above ground.  And i have like 12ft ceilings so it has a ‘loft’ type feel.  The bathroom has a huge claw foot tub that I absolutely love!  And, brand new appliances, including a dishwasher.   So, the eviction turned into a blessing.  I’m also closer to downtown, which is great.  I can walk there in about 10min and take the shuttle to anywhere.

Moving on.  I finally gave Bill a deadline to make a decision.  I guess an ultimatum was a bad idea.  He said he was not ready to move.  He knew he should but he just couldn’t do it.  I cried for so long.  I was expecting that answer but it didn’t make it any easier to hear.  I also knew he would realize he made a mistake.  He called me the next day saying he missed me and it sucked us not being together.  We talked for a while that night he said he knows he needs to make a change, it’s just hard to do it.   He’s reconsidering and going to start sending out resumes here and see what happens.  I’m so happy, but still cautious and I am not putting my life on hold for him until i know he’s coming out here.  Why should I? I’ve given him plenty of opportunity to commit.  I still love him and hope more than anything that he comes out here, but I’m going to have fun in the meantime.

Halloween was an interesting weekend, but fun.  I went out Friday night with KC and a couple of his friends.  I ended up meeting a really cool girl, so that was definitely a plus!  It was a crazy night and I actually sung karaoke.  I’m pretty sure that was the first time.  The next night i was going to a party with Amanda.  That ended up being more fun than we thought.  We met some fun people and went downtown after wards.  I made the mistake of drinking wine and vodka (though not together!).  I proceeded to lose my purse 3 times throughout the evening.  By the end of the evening I had lost my keys and camera.  I start crying and I’m sure, looked like an idiot.  Everyone tried to console me, but I was freaking out about getting home to the dogs.  My landlords live in Boston, it’s not like they could just swing by and give e a set of keys.  Having no keys, Amanda and I had to stay with the guys.  After devouring a sidewalk 1am burrito, we all jumped in a cab and went back to Mike’s.  We played a bit of Wii before going to bed.  Amanda passed out on the couch, so I slept in bed with Mike. I think we kissed once before passing out.  True to form, he is 25.  The next morning we all got up and went to breakfast.  I’m obsessed with the breakfast burritos at this one place.  Right before we left, for some unknown reason, I stuck my hand in my bra and what did I discover? My keys!  Apparently, I had decided it was a good idea since I kept losing my purse.  I felt like a jackass but at least I found them.  We called the bar and amazingly enough, they had my camera! Score! It ended up being a successful night.  The place I love for breakfast serves alcohol (how can you not love that??).  So me and the one guy decided to start drinking again (i like to pretend I’m 23 sometimes).  After breakfast, everyone came to my place for some boxed wine and Anchorman.  It was fun.  We all needed a little break, but Mike was planning on coming back that evening.  He came back around 7pm and we watched a movie and proceeded to make-out for a couple hours.  That’s what happens when you drink all day.  Needless to say, I was exhausted for a couple days after that weekend.

The next weekend was fairly uneventful.  Amanda was out of town, so I decided to take it easy.  I did hangout with Mike that Friday night.  Some old school Nintendo, beer, and making out made for an enjoyable evening.  Sunday, I met up with my friend Aric to watch football.  He is also a fan of my team.  Bill and I met him when he was out here.  He’s become my Sunday Funday buddy.  I drank quite a bit.

I am happy to report i finally was able to obtain a vehicle again!  I love it.  It’s an SUV Hybrid.  Can’t believe I broke down and got an SUV, but it’s awesome.  Only problem is I cannot parallel park it and I live in the city.  It’s quite interesting to watch and I’m hoping eventually I’ll get the hang of it.

I also got an amazing job! One of the jobs I had been hoping to get.  I am making 20% more than I ever have, my boss is awesome, and I get to work from home.  Again, God came through for me.  This job has actually made me feel the 3mths of unemployment was worth it.  This job is a great opportunity and can open a lot of doors.  It will also allow me to catch up on bills quickly and start a savings.

I guess I should explain the hot pocket.  I went out Wed with my friend Kyle and his friend Shawna.  She was so much fun!   We went to a local dive bar (actually  the place Jon took me on our first ‘date’….should’ve known then he lacked class.  Anywho, this cute guy started talking to us.  I turned on the flirting a little bit to see what would happen.  I noticed there were hot pockets in the vending machine (apparently that was the bar’s way of providing food).  I pointed it out to him because i thought it was funny.  Shawna and I went outside to smoke and next thing I know, he comes outside and hands me a hot pocket!  It may be the most interesting way a guy has tried to pick me up.  But, it was so funny, it worked.  He left and went to another bar with his friends but gave me his number.  Kyle wanted to go home early so Shawna went to meet Jeremy and his friends.  We had a blast.  They were a fun group and there were fun people there.  Two crazy gay guys who were cracking me up.  And again, true to form one of them grabbed my boobs.  Apparently men, regardless of sexual orientation love boobs.  .  I lost Shawna somewhere along the way.  Jeremy came home with me and we made out for a while but then he went home.  I’m proud of myself for restraining.  I’d feel too guilty having sex with someone until I know what’s going on with Bill.  Making out is one thing, but sex is another.  Plus, since I don’t have benefits yet, I had to go off the pill and that is a chance i’m not willing to make with some random guy.

I think that pretty much brings us up to speed.  Thankfully, I have a lot of positivity in my life now.  I knew things would work out here and I guess 3 months really isn’t that long considering i moved across the country.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been and am so happy I made the decision to move!

i thought i was going to be able to actually have a 100% positive post for once.  unfortunately, i was wrong.  it seems like whenever my life starts turning around, things tank again.  to sum it up: had an amazing weekend with bill, finally got a job (and possibly 2 more offers on the way), and came home tonight to find an eviction notice from the sheriff.  meaning, i can be tossed on the street at any moment.  i finally start working and now i’m going to be homeless.  i have to call my apt people tomorrow and beg them to try to work with me.  i have nowhere to go.  well, i have a friend an hr north of here, but not having a car, that would put a damper on working.  it took me 3mths to find these jobs. the last thing i want to do is start looking again.  and, i’ve started making some good friends in the city. i don’t want to leave.

on to a happier topic.  bill came out last weekend.  i was nervous. it had been 2 1/2mths since i’d seen him and our relationship had made some major developments.  but, as soon as i saw him at baggage claim, the fears were cast aside and i was beyond happy.  i hugged him forever.  i heard someone once say “you don’t know how much you miss someone until you see them”.  i thought i knew how much i missed him, but i was wrong.  amazingly enough, i missed him even more!  we spent Friday downtown for a couple drinks. after i started to get a little tipsy, i confessed about my relationship with jon (not in great detail!). a part of me felt guilty and needed to get it off my chest. he was ok with it.  after all, we weren’t in a relationship at the time.  saturday we went to my favorite breakfast place and then up into the mountains.  it was a gorgeous day.  one thing i love about him, there is never an ‘awkward silence’.  that boy can talk more than anyone you’ve ever met…lol  it’s almost impossible to get a word in edgewise.  and he’s so funny! always making me laugh.  he actually reminds me of Chandler on ‘Friends’ because he cracks a lot of jokes when he gets nervous or uncomfortable.  that night we went to dinner.  sunday we went downtown to a sports bar to watch football.  i had some massive p.m.s going on, so i was a bit irritable, but we ended up having a great time.  i knew i was going to cry when he left, but i wasn’t prepared for my reaction (i’m sure the beer and pms did not help the situation).  we were barely in the car and the tears started flowing.  by the time we got to the airport, i was pretty much hysterical.  we ended up getting there late, so there wasn’t much time for goodbye. i told him i loved him and hoped he’d make the decision to move out here.  he told me he loved me and not to worry so much.  as he was riding the escalator down, he turned around and told me he loved me again.  i’m sure everyone in the airport thought i was nuts because i was crying so hard.  i found the nearest bar, plopped myself down and cried into a beer.  eventually i figured i should catch the shuttle home and cried the whole way.  on the walk to my apt, i stopped and got some beer and chinese food.  i came home, ate, drank, and cried until i passed out.  all in all i’d say i cried about 6-7hrs. it’s very emotionally draining.

i actually feel pretty positive about the situation.  a part of me will be surprised if he actually gets the balls to move out here, but a part of me wouldn’t be.  i know he loves me and we have a great time together.  he is good at handling my neurosis and neither one of us ever knows what’s going to come out of the other’s mouth.  keeps things interesting.  we have great chemistry and he’s coming along in the affection department.  just hearing him say ‘i love you’ in person was enough to melt my heart because i know how difficult it is for him to say it. i told him i’d give him some time to think about things.  i don’t expect him to make a decision a couple days after being out here.  but, i also told him i can’t wait forever.  i need to know if he is going to work towards getting out here.  if he isn’t, then i need to learn to move on.

a couple weeks ago, i had an interesting text conversation with jon.  he’s such an immature asshole, it isn’t even worth giving him the time to talk about it.  i’m just glad he is out of my life and i didn’t fuck things up with bill over him.

so like i said, i’ve started making some good friends out here.  i also started working.  things were finally starting to look up and now i have this eviciton mess.  will it ever end??  seems like i take 1 step forward and 5 steps back.

i’ll really try to be better about keeping up with this.  seems like i go through phases.  what i really need to do is start putting it down in book format and get that going…who knows? it could be the claim to fame i’ve been waiting for!

finally!  i’m back.  i’ve been slacking a bit…some due to my internet being disconnected (and thus having to rely on hijacking someone else’s) and some due to just plain old laziness.  but alas, i’ve returned to give you all an update on my wonderfully exciting life.  as predicted, i am down to one lucky bachelor (and i’m sure you can all guess who that is…)  here’s how it played out:

just as i suspected, i did not see TI when he was out here.  he gave me every excuse possible. i told him i was sick of him dicking me around and he always canceled on me. i felt like he only wants me when he knows he can’t have me.  he apologized and said he’d try to meet up with me…blah, blah, blah.  well, he invited me to his friend’s house saturday for a bbq. not having a car, it was going to be difficult to get there, but i said i’d try. he texted me 2hrs before i was supposed to go and told me he was already drunk. i asked him if he’d still be concious by the time i got there and he said he didn’t know.  well, there was obviously no reason for me to bother going. i was a bit peev’d by that but whatever. that was the end of that. i’m done playing his games.  what is the point of talking when he always cancels on me? i think the only reason i saw him so much before I left is because he knew i was leaving.  i should have let things go a long time ago, but i’m an emotional masochist.  i decided to let things go and move on.

things with jon ended a lot sooner and somewhat easier than i thought.  the weekend TI was in town, jon invited me to hangout with him and his friends on saturday. since i already got shunned by TI, i figured i needed to at least get out of the house and not think about it.  i didn’t want to sleep with jon so i figured if we were together around his friends, i would have to worry about that.  he made dinner for everyone and then he had a concert to go to. i went downtown with a couple of his friends.  i had a blast.  he planned on meeting up with us after the concert. i guess he left his wallet at home (who does that on a sat night?) so he couldn’t get into the bar. he texted me but i obviously didn’t hear it. he sent his friend in to get me and i didn’t want to leave. i was having a good time and actually making friends for once.  well, i guess after he sat outside for aobut 15min he left. i went out to find him and he was gone. then, i dropped my ID trying to get back in and the bouncer said i was too drunk so he wouldn’t let me back in. nice dude! way to be on a power trip.  i was freaking out because everyone i knew was still inside. as i’m standing outside trying to figure out what to do, i get a text from jon “fuck you”.  umm…ok.  next one “you self centered bitch. way to alienate the only person out here who cares about you”.  WTF?!? are you kidding me? ok. maybe i was wrong for not rushing outside to meet him.  or maybe i had every right to keep enjoying myself and not jump when he told me to.  either way, his response was completely unnecessary and not a way a guy should talk to me.  since i was drunk, i got upset but by the time i woke up the next morning i was livid.  what gives him the right to talk to me like that?? it was not my fault he left his ID at home and not being in a ‘relationship’, i had no obligation to running at his every beck and call.  and the first time he gets upset with me, that is how he reacts?? umm…no thanks.  i guess he isn’t as nice of a guy as i thought.  (i did manage to find someone to sneak me in the back of the bar so i found my group again).  he still had the spare keys to my apt from when i was gone and i left 3 beers in his fridge.  i told him to let me know when i could come get my stuff.  that week he proceeded to only call me when it was almost dark to come get my stuff.  umm…great.  i really want to walk 20min each way in the dark. by the following weekend, i was fed up.  again, he called me sunday at 6:30 to tell me he was home. he had all weekend to let me stop by. i was pissed. my friend Brad told me he’d take me after work to get it. i sent jon a text telling him i’d be there around 9pm to get my stuff.  well that ended up being more like 10pm, but i called him on the way.  no answer. got to his place. no answer.  the door guy knows me so he let me in.  went up to his apt and knocked.  no answer.  thankfully he is idiot enough to not lock his doors.  i walk in and no one is there.  both bedroom doors were closed (he has a roommate). i know he only closes his when he goes to bed.  i knock on his door several times. no answer.  so i go in. i turn on the lights and there he is ass naked curled up in the fetal position sleeping.  one of the funniest and most unattractive things i’ve ever seen! i tried looking for my keys and no luck.  so i shook him to wake him up.  he must have been passed out from smoking because it took me a good 5min to wake him up and then another 5 min to get him to comprehensibly tell me where my keys were.  i threw his sweatshirt that i had on the floor, turned off the light and told him it’d be fun doing business with him.  i grabbed my keys, the one beer still left in the fridge and i shut the door on that relationship for good.  they always start out so nice and sweet and then somewhere along the way, the true asshole surfaces.  but, like i said, it ended up being a lot faster than easier than i thought it was going to be

so that brings me to bill.  we are finally, officially a couple   not sure how or when it happened…it just happened. he comes out here in 10 days and i can’t wait! it’s hard being this far away from someone you love.  though i know it’s the only reason we are together.  he had to lose what he had to realize it. he’s slowly getting better with the whole expressing emotion thing and the fact that he would even commit to a relationship is a HUGE step forward for us.

so i’ll end it with that.  i started with 3 and ended with the one i really wanted anyway.  i have plenty more to write but will stop here for now.  this is enough to read.  i have no clue what will happen between bill and i but i am very excited to find out! (and even more excited to get laid in 10 days!  lol )

well, the trip was amazing! i had so much fun! i ate a lot, i drank a lot, and i met a lot of really fun people.  there was a group of people from UT.  of course, there was a little 25yr old cutie.  me and my younger guys!  lol…we kissed some but that’s it.  they were great to hangout with.  a couple nights Linz went to bed early because she wasn’t feeling well so i would go down to the dance club and find the UT guys.  everyone i met from the group was so nice and easy to just hangout with.  i was not all impressed with the islands.  well, i’d been to Key West & Grand Cayman before.  Unfortunately, it rained a bit on GC so we didn’t really get to see a lot of it.  Key West is well….Key West.  It’s fun and pretty, but not my ideal island when i’m thinking of a Caribbean cruise.  But I’ll get more into that stop later.  Jamaica was interesting.  A bit scary.  I did not feel safe there at all.  Linz went horseback riding, so i was all by myself.  i didn’t feel safe walking around, so i went and found a Margaritaville and sat down at the bar.  I had a couple strong drinks and started talking to the ladies sitting next to me.  the bartenders all loved me and kept making me come back behind the bar to take pictures and dance with them.  before i left, they all tried to get me to give them my email or phone, so i had to make up a bunch of fake ones.  lol  i am amazed i found my way back to the ship; i was pretty wasted.  i went back, ate a ton of room service, took a nap, and had no clue where i was when i woke up.  but at least i made it off the island alive!  i was up until at least 4am almost everyday i was gone. i was exhausted when i got home.  and i had a 12hr day of traveling.  to top it all off, i came home with a cold.  not surprising given my rockstar partying ways and the large amount of cigarettes i smoked on the ship (a very bad thing i have to stop doing when i drink).  poor Linz ended up with bronchitis.  it was well worth it. i had an awesome time!

on to Key West.  the night before was the first night on the ship.  that was the night i met the UT guys and i was up drinking pretty late.  they had a 24hr pizza place on the ship so we all headed there almost every night after the club closed down.  anywho, apparently the one guy accidentally took my camera instead of his.  i woke up the next day and freaked out because i thought i had lost another camera. i tore my room apart looking for it and even went down to lost & found.  but no luck.  i was pissed at myself for getting drunk enough to lose another camera.  and at the beginning of the trip, no less! i was freaking out about what to do and made the mistake of texting Josh to ask him where i could find a reasonably priced camera.  of course, after searching the island to find one for me, he hunted us down.  he followed us around for like 3 1/2hrs while we shopped…literally followed us.  like a little lost puppy dog.  he kept asking me about stuff and was asking me all kinds of stuff about bill.  it was weird.  towards the end we went to a bar for a couple drinks and of course, he paid.  he also at one point bought both of us a shot glass with our name on it.  very weird.  he just doesn’t seem to get it.  something isn’t clicking right in his brain.  no clue.

the trip gave me time to reflect on my drama.  i’ve pretty much written the TI thing off.  i think, again, it was all talk on his part.  he doesn’t even know if he’s going to be able to see me this weekend (after he already told me he was going to spend a night with me).  i just get the same thing from him over and over again and i can’t ever really trust his sincerity.  jon, i think is just a fling. i don’t see things going very far with him.  i think we’re looking for different things and i think we’re in different places in our lives.  i am also bothered by the fact that he smokes weed on pretty much a daily basis.  i know some people are ok with it and i’ve had a lot of people out here tell me it’s just the way it is. but, it’s not something i’m comfortable with.  i wouldn’t date someone who smoked cigarettes regularly, why would i date someone who smokes weed regularly? i keep trying to overlook it because he is sweet and i do like him but i’m not sure it’s something i can live with.  then there’s bill.  things seem to be going very well between us. he has even actually came out and vocally said he loves me.  that is HUGE for him.  i’ve complained time and time again about him not being able to express his emotions, but it seems like it’s getting easier for him.  he is becoming more comfortable with it.  i don’t expect to him to say it all the time, but it’s nice to hear occasionally.  tonight he even said it first via text.  :)  i want to see where things go with him and i’m not sure that it’s fair to him to have jon around too.  he’s coming out here in a month and i feel that i owe him to be patient for that month and see what develops.  he’s trying to give me what i want.  he’s being more open and affectionate.  the least i can do is not be fucking someone else up until the day he gets here. and i have so much going on right now with trying to find a job, and stay on my feet that trying to really start a new relationship is overwhelming.

speaking of my financial situation, i surrendered my car back to the dealership yesterday.  that was beyond depressing.  it was pretty much rock bottom for me.  i gave up my house, i killed my credit, and now i’m jobless.  i’m almost completely broke, i’m way behind on my rent, i’m unemployed, and now i’m car-less.  it’s hard not to let it get me down. i’m 30yrs old and i’m at a stand still.

however, there is good news on the horizon.  i have a 3rd interview tomorrow and feel pretty confident about it. i hope to God it will work out because if i don’t get a job soon, i will be homeless.  i’m determined to make my life out here work. i will not throw in the towel. i will get it all worked out somehow!

keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow! i need this!

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i set sail for my 6th cruise in 2 days. i am SO excited.  this couldn’t be worse timing or better timing.  i’m so broke. i have to pay my rent late to be able to have any money on this vacation.  but, i’m so stressed out, i am looking forward to a week of relaxation.  i am also looking forward to the food.  i’ve been living off of barely anything since i got here. the thought of eating 5-star food for 6 days makes me beyond ecstatic.  i plan on gaining at least 5lbs on this trip…lol  i have a couple different people taking care of the pups, so i’m a bit concerned with that but hopefully they’ll be ok.

this trip gives me a chance to forget about the guy drama and just relax.

bill & my mom were both at the same baseball game tonight, so i arranged for them to meet.  they both loved each other.  it’s always a good sign when my mom approves.  she seems to have some weird motherly 6th sense about guys. so, i trust her judgement.  he’s booking his flight to come out here this weekend.  so, within a month or so he’ll be out here and then we can see where things go.

so i’ll be MIA for a week, but i’m sure i’ll have a lot to write about when i get back

i’m spending TOO much time over analyzing all of this…i need to just go with the flow and see what happens….i think i’m trying to force one situation or the other to happen and i just need to take a step back and let nature take it’s course…i’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so i have to trust it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

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as if my life couldn’t get anymore complicated, a couple days ago, i’m debating the whole bill/jon thing.  let’s make it more ‘telenueva’ -like by adding back in TI.  those of you who have been following my blog know who TI is…for those of you who have not, well it’s kind of a long story.  TI & i met in march. there was some issues with my BFF because of a previous encounter she had with him a few years prior.  if you want the back story on that, go back to march of my blogs.  we started seeing each other a couple weeks before i left.  i was also seeing bill.  for that story, go back to july. i spent time with both of them before i left for different reasons.  bill is the one who has been there, even if in the background, since january.  i love him and i care about him and there is something definitely there between us.  but, as i’ve complained before, he has intimacy issues and has a hard time explaining his feelings or affection.  that is a huge thing for me.  i am a very emotional, affectionate person.  TI, on the other hand, while he is easily freaked out, he is beyond affectionate.  i feel differently with him than with a lot of people i’ve dated.  he always makes me feel great. like i said in previous posts, jon reminds me a lot of him.  except, i’m starting to think jon is a psuedo-replacemnt for TI.  since i moved out here, i’ve had limited conversation with TI short of a few text messages and FB.  i’ve held off on my end because i know he gets freaked out easily (the one thing i love about bill…i can completely be myself and say what i want and it has never scared him off).  apparently, something i posted on FB tonight prompted him to reach out.  i mentioned something similar to my title referencing jon and bill…it was really more of a ‘a bird in the hand is worth 1 in the bush’…ironically enough, by the end of the night, my title was true.  after the FB conversation took a turn for the worse (people have a pretty easy tendency to turn everything sexually), i changed my statement and to that he commented.  i texted back and then he called me.  this was the first time i spoke to him on the phone since i got here and actually in general. we rarely had a phone conversation.  anywho, i had been on the verge of tears all night.  i went out with some people i knew here for a friend’s bday.  jon met me there and the whole time i kept thinking i was living someone else’s life.  i know it will take time to adjust and make friends and everything.  but as TI summed it up best, i’m not a girly girl…i’m a “guygirl”.  i love football and beer and wings and making fun of people.  i’m cynical and sarcastic.  i’m not like most girls.  it is hard for me to get along with a lot of girls.  i was fortunate enough over the past years to make great girl friends at home.  it was hard as hell to leave them and i’ve known it wouldn’t be easy to make new friends like that.  but, going out tonight and being around other ‘girls’ was kind of an eyeopener.  i realized just how hard it is going to be for me to make true friends out here.  and it’s hard because leaving my BFF was awful and then when i talk to her and hear how hard it is on her, it makes me feel worse.  so, on top of my own loneliness, i’ve been feeling guilty for my BFF’s loneliness.  i know that i need to live my life for me and no one else…blah blah blah…anywho, i’m losing track here.

so, i’ve known for a while that TI was coming out here the 3rd week of sept.  we talked about getting together before, but i never pushed the subject.  well, after reading my Fb message tonight, he called me.  maybe it was just the timing, but hearing his voice was great.  it was so comforting.  i cried on the phone with him and voiced my fears about being a failure out here and talked about a lot of stuff and the whole time if felt…comfortable.  i miss him.  i truly do. it’s a different kind of relationship than i had with bill but it was equally satisfying in different areas. i’m sure you’re all thinking, what is with this girl?? she goes on and on about these different guys…can she really care about any of them?  yes.  i care about all of them.  bill, i love…there is no doubt in my mind…we have the ‘connection’.  my fear with him is that he will never be able to give me what i need him to give me.  TI, there is a connection…it’s a different kind of connection than bill but it meets a different need.  i can see myself with him because he is sweet and attentive and affectionate and the things that i’m lacking with bill…but doesn’t quite give me the emotional connection i feel with bill because we’ve been through more together.  however, tonight talking to TI changed some of that to me.  he was vulnerable.  he confided that he missed me and thought about me. and that given the state of the economy back home, and the threat of losing a large customer, he may soon be looking for a job…..and of course, Denver was on the list.  why and how does this all happen?  he comes out here in 3 weeks to visit a friend.  he is going to stay with me the first night.  judge how you want.  it is what it is and it’s pretty much the same situation i was in before i left.  i have him and bill. both professing their feelings toward me and both mentioning the possibility of moving out here.  both have a lot of ‘action’ to put behind their ‘word’.  yet, at the same time, i can’t feel but jon is a temporary fix of what i’m missing in them.  do i see him as a substitute until one of them comes to their senses?  of am i holding on to something at home that will never come to fruit out here? am i holding on to a fantasy that will never come true? or will this all fall into place and i was the one who had to set the whole thing in motion?

i feel like i’m babbling at this point and i’m sure you all get the point. here i am, i have jon…well, sort of.  i’m not really sure how i see things long-term between us and given his age, i’m not sure what exactly he is looking for in life.  i do know that i am looking to find the ‘one’ in the next 2-3yrs, at the most and settle down.  i also know that i overheard him saying he planned on moving back to the upper northwest where he is from.  somewhere i have absolutely no desire to ever be. regardless, he is the first guy i’ve met out here so for me to even assume there is a future between us is a bit presumptious.  at the same time, here i have the two guys that i fell for before i left telling me how they feel and that they are considering coming out here.  all bark and no bite? or can it possibly be that one of them is the ‘one’ and the pieces just fall into place? i’m sure this all sounds neurotic.  these are just the questions that are running through my head.  my perfect guy would be to combine bill and TI. to know that possibly, either one of them could work out, is perplexing.  TI comes out first and i’m going to try not to let his visit cloud my judgement of bill’s visit.  and i’m also trying not to let either of their visits cloud my opinion of jon.  but, obviously human nature will take over and i guess i have to trust my instinct to  feel what it feels and hope it’s correct…and see how that feeling is reciprocated…i could start out with 3 and end up with 3 or i could start out with 3 and end up with 0.  it’s a delicate situation and i have to approach it with care and caution and trust that it will all workout the way it is supposed to. 

it’s just hard to comprehend that these 2 men that i had such a hard time leaving, have now realized what left them.  and i know it can be said “too little, too late”.  but i don’t necessarily believe that and i think that could cause pride to get in the way. 

i am now in the situation of having 1 in the hand and 2 in the bush…however, the one i truly want is quite possibly one of the ones in the bush…

here we go again…when it comes to guys, ‘when it rains it pours’.  i’ll start with jon.

wed he had a bad day, so he stopped by the club to have a drink while i was working.  i got off early, so i went to his place to hangout until my friend Tamara got off work.  we were going to go out.  well, by 9pm i didn’t hear from her so he & i went out for drinks.  i had a blast.  i have a lot of fun around him and he is so sweet.  needless to say, one drink turned into several drinks so we got pretty drunk, but it was fun.  friday he called me to meet up with him and his friends for happy hour.  to me, it’s always a good sign when a guy starts introducing you to his friends early in the dating process.  they were all fun.  it was nice to get out and socialize; even if i was the only girl.  i really don’t mind being the only girl.  most of the time i find guys more fun to hangout with than girls because women can be so catty.  we woke up saturday and met 2 of the guys for breakfast (which was so yummy! i may have found my favorite breakfast place out here).  i came home saturday, popped a couple xanax and slept for about 4 1/2hrs.  it was great.  saturday i spent lazily on the couch.

on to the next one.  i finally talked to bill yesterday about the email i sent him.  umm…wow.  i got the complete opposite reaction that i was expecting.  based on how he usually is, i expected him to say “i understand” and that’s about it.  well, that was not the case.  he said he really took a few days to think about it and digest what i said.  he agreed with some of it, but not all of it.  he said he also realized how much he cared about me once i left (which i knew would be the case).  he said he really misses me and didn’t realize what we had.  i told him that was all fine but i have no plans of moving home so the only way things would work out is if he moved out here.  what came next just about shocked the pants off me.  he said he wanted me to keep an open mind about us until he comes out here in October to visit. he thinks there is something between us and is seriously considering the possibility of moving out here if he likes it.  say what?!?!?!  how does he go from barely being able to tell me he misses me to telling me he may move out here so we can see what develops.  i was speechless, seriously?!? he is thinking about moving out here to see where things go with us??? so unexpected!  then, to be the cherry on top of the sundae, we were texting back and forth last night.  it started out with him saying he missed me, then he said he couldn’t wait to come visit, then he told me i was sweet…finally, i sent him a text that said “why don’t you just say what you really want to say?” and he responded “love you”.  Now, anyone who knows him, know that is unbelievable.  he is not one at all to talk about his emotions (as i’ve mentioned several times before). the fact that he actually admitted it, and in writing was awesome.

so now i’m in a conundrum…do i keep seeing jon casually until bill comes out here to visit in case he changes his mind between now and then? or do i stop seeing jon to see what happens with bill?  he’s not coming out here for about 6-7 weeks.  i know we have no commitment right now.  i’ve never been in this situation and i’m not entirely sure how to proceed.  the situation with bill involves a lot of “ifs”.  but i do love him and would be ecstatic if he moved out here.  i am thinking of going with the former.  i honestly don’t think jon wants anything serious right now (he is only 25). i can keep seeing him casually and have fun and see if bill delivers on any of his promises.

there’s always drama…but i guess it keeps my life interesting…

yesterday, i worked.  i made $6.  that is really not going to pay the bills…any of them. i was good not to text jon except to let him know i left my leftovers over there.  i’m trying to give this space so i don’t fuck it up like i do the other ones.  we exchanged a few texts, but nothing major. i figured so far, so good.  also decided i wasn’t going to contact him…i was going to wait until i heard from him.

i also had not heard from bill.  i sent him the email on friday telling him i think it was time i needed to move on (not even sure if i put that in my blog).  i’ve done all i can for the situation but it seems to be one-sided, so i need to move on with my life.  i had a hard enough time keeping things going when we lived 10min away.  now we’re 20hrs away and i’m exhausted.  it has very little to do with jon. though, i think he was kind of an eye opener.  i need someone who is affectionate and isn’t afraid to tell me that he likes me.  the only time i can ever get anything out of bill physical or verbal is after he’s been drinking.  that’s not what i want.  and so, on Friday, i emailed him and told him i thought i should move past it and start everything fresh out here.  i couldn’t give anymore to the relationship than i have and it was time to move forward.  if things were meant to be, they’d work themselves out somehow.

so anyway, i woke up this morning and realized i needed to make some major decisions.  things are not looking good financially right now.  i have enough for my sept rent, which is the most important thing.  however, i am soon to be almost 3mths behind on my car.  that equates to about $900.  i’m behind on everything else.  between my car payment & insurance, i spend $400/mth on my car.  now that i’ve been here, i’ve used less than 1/2 tank of gas in almost a month.  i’m clearly not driving enough to warrant a $400/mth expense.  the city has a great public transportation system that i can use.  so i called the financing company and asked what my options are.  they told me that, because of the bankruptcy, i can surrender the car back to a dealership at any time.  no obligations.  it freaks me out to give up my car because i’ve never been without one, but isn’t that what city life is all about?  to save $400/mth, i think i can learn to live without.  esp when i only drive like 15miles a week.  i’m already bankrupt, in foreclosure, and beyond broke.  i might as well walk away from my car and the 2yr $400/mth commitment while i can.  then when i get a real job, i can save the money and either buy a cheap car or a Vespa (ha! that would be a sight to see). i just need to do what i have to do to stay afloat and make sure i can make it out here…and i know that means sacrificing somethings.  not having to worry about $400/mth would be an incredible help.

so, back to my title.  i’ve been stressed all day about money and what it’s going to take to get settled out here.  and i did really well not to text jon at all.  then around 6:45, he called me.  he said he was having a bad couple days and didn’t have the energy to hangout, but he wanted to talk to me.  say what???  it has been very rare for a guy to call me just to talk.  we talked for about 45min.  he told me about what he was going through and i told him about my issues.  i hate telling people off the bat about the bankruptcy and stuff, but i sensed that it wouldn’t freak him out.  and thankfully, it didn’t.  he was really supportive and sweet and said he’d help me figure out the public transportation system and that he thought it was best that i get rid of my car.  he lived the first 2yrs here without a car, so it can be done. he said talking ot me helped cheer him up a little and that he looked forward to seeing me soon.  he is just so sweet.  i’m not used to that. besides bill (which i’ll get to in a sec), i can’t think of a guy who called me up just because he wanted to talk to me. he even went so far as to save my leftovers for me. he said he was going to leave his apt unlocked tomorrow while he was at work so i could pick them up. seriously?!?  wow.  SO not used to that!

while i was on the phone with jon, bill called. i didn’t even hear my phone beep.  i got off the phone and listened to the VM.  he said he had gotten my email and had been thinking about it for a few days and that he wanted to talk to me about it.  he sounded pretty down about it.  i tried calling back, but i got his VM.  he didn’t call me back. tomorrow night i work and thursday i’m supposed to see jon, so i’m not sure when we’re going to discuss things.  i am very curious to hear what he has to say, though i don’t think it will make a difference at this point.  i’ve given all i can give and now the distance between us is just going to make things worse.  i can’t spend my time pining over someone thousands of miles away who won’t even admit that he misses me unless he’s had a few drinks.  it’s just not worth my time and effort. 

so, we’ll see.  so far jon has me quite smitten, but it has only been a week and a half.  i tend to have the shelf life of a dairy product (2-3 weeks), so who knows how things will play out.  i do appreciate finding a guy who is as sweet and attentive as he is.  maybe there is something to be said for younger guys.  he sure doesn’t act his age, so despite the mental issues i have with it, there is nothing obvious that reminds me of the fact that he is 5yrs younger than me.  and, i need to stop dwelling on it.  age really is just a number.  look at bill.  he is 32 and he can’t even admit he misses me.

i’m trying hard to not screw up the jon thing like i did with hottie neighbor, though he doesn’t seem to get scared away that easily.  i’m taking it one day at a time.  my main concern right now is finding a job.  i have an interview on Friday, so fingers crossed!

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