i'M nOt CrAzY. i'M eMoTiOnAlLy ChAlLeNgEd

um. so yeah. i hooked up with my neighbor last night. i knew it was bound to happen. i was hoping it wouldn’t be until after B’s visit in a couple weeks because I really just don’t see him moving out here. he doesn’t seem to want to put forth the effort to get out here. i think if i really thought he was i wouldn’t be hooking up with neighbors. and i know him well enough to know when he’s out here, we’ll maybe have sex 2x. i’m not sure we have compatible sex drives. let’s see…we’ve been dating on and off for a year now and we’ve had sex maybe 6x. yeah. when he was here in October, 3 days….sex once! at Christmas when i was home…with him 4 days, sex twice! seriously?!? i’m a 30 yr old!! even when i wasn’t, i’ve always been a pretty big fan of sex. i’ve dated guy where we’d do it 2-3x a day both days of the weekend. and now, i get it once every 3mths? come on! and to him, it’s weird to have sex during the day. seriously? sex is great any time of day. so i’m not sure…i have some major concerns about it…i feel like i’m always pushing him to have sex. seems a bit strange to me. esp when i go months without seeing him. maybe i’m just conjuring up all the doubts i can because i’m really starting to think he’s not coming out here. i think if he really wanted to, he’d be out here by now. i’ve been out here 6mths! and as far as i know, he’s sent out like 5 resumes. i’ve sent out 30 in the past 2 weeks. granted, i have no job, but if i was in his shoes and i wanted to move to be with the person i love, i’d do whatever it takes to make that happen.

grr….enough about that. so last night. damn! i had a feeling it would be good and holy fuck it was! from my research, when it comes to sex, older is the way to go. he’s 36 and definitely knows what he’s doing. and he has great recovery time. i think we did it like 3x back to back. impressive if you ask me! so in one night we’ve done it half the number of times i’ve done it with B in the last year. see! i think i have a valid point.

i do feel a bit guilty, but i also don’t. i’ve been sitting out here 6mths waiting for B to take some initiative to get his ass out here. until he makes the move, i will not feel the need to be “good”. i don’t want to feel like my time is being wasted.

so, i’m back on a permanent basis. got a new computer. not by choice and really not within the budget, but it had to be done. turns out, my last day of work was today. i got a week’s notice. nice, huh? well that meant i had to turn in my work laptop and thus was left computer-less. so, i bought one of those little Netbooks…this thing is tiny! but it was cheap and it serves a purpose. so, i am now able to blog whenever i want and not have to fear someone tracing the website. lol

so yes, i am again jobless. what a fabulous place to be! but, i should get unemployment this time so i’ll be ok. i’ll be bored and broke but i can provide a roof over my head, a car in the driveway (well on the street) and food in my belly. i knew the job wasn’t working out, so i guess i’m not surprised and not entirely disappointed. as long as i get unemployment, it will allow me the ability to find the ‘right’ job..if such a thing exists.

not much has developed with neighbor guy lately. some very minor makeout sessions but nothing exciting to write about. bill FINALLY started applying to jobs out here. i basically threatened him and told him i was going to move on and i guess that’s all he needed. we’ll see how much effort he puts into it. i told him i’m done doing anything on my part. it’s all up to him! we’ll see…..

i can now go back to writing my book. i have to start it all over again, but i wasn’t that far along and i still have the intro saved so i’ll be ok.

i’m excited to be back!

so my laptop crashed and i’ve been using my work laptop.  hence, why i haven’t posted.  but i have no clue when i’ll get mine fixed, so i figured i needed to catch up the ‘inquiring minds’.  so much to catch up on…i’ll leave the irrelevant stuff out.

i went home for Christmas.  my first trip home since i moved.  it was weird going there to ‘visit’.  i have to say, as soon as the plane landed, i knew why i left.  it was sunny flying the whole way home until we reached my home state.  and amazingly, it got incredible cloudy.  Bill picked me up at the airport.  despite my shenanigans, it was SO great to see him!  i miss him terribly out here though i’m sure my actions don’t seem that way a lot of times.  there’s a difference between the way one acts and the way one feels. i love him and i want more than anything to be with him but at this point, that isn’t happening and so i do what i feel i need to in order to fill the time and not think about it so much.

so anyway, i had a great time home! it was SO good to see everyone. i had a fabulous time with my friends and family.  i missed everyone so much. i got to spend 4 days with Bill, 2 days with my BFF, and i got to see my fave NFL team live win in the last 6 seconds. You can’t beat that!  The weather was of course cloudy and crappy the whole time.   Oddly enough, I got incredibly homesick on the flight home.  I cried as the plane took off and i cried as i landed.  I felt like I was coming back to nothing (besides the gorgeous sunshine and scenery). 

a couple days after i last posted, I went out with Amanda.  We went to see the Nutcracker and then dinner and drinks.  the first place we went to drink was a champagne bar downtown.  it was a really cool place. Amanda started talking to someone at the bar next to us.  he came with us to another place called Lavish and that is the last thing i remember.  i don’t know if he is to blame, but i had not had that much to drink by that time and i remember absolute nothing after that.  i have no doubt someone slipped me a roofie….i didn’t even know people still do that!  apparently we left Lavish and went to another bar…i don’t remember that.  then we went to yet another bar and apparently i got kicked out of that one because i couldn’t walk or stand up straight. i woke up the next morning having no clue what happened.  i asked Amanda what happened and she briefly told me what happened.  i didn’t get much response from her after that and i was afraid that crazy night had tarnished the one close friendship i had developed out here.  so, coming home, i felt like i was starting at square one, but thankfully, that was not the case.  apparently she was just busy with finding an apt and work and stuff.  we’ve hungout a few times since i got back and things are just fine between us, thankfully!

so, things with my job are not going so well.  I should’ve known if it seems too good to be true, it always is.  a really good paying job that allows me to work at home in my pjs everyday? yeah, too good to be true…within the past couple weeks, my job has become pretty much an over paid admin job.  which, some would say “who cares? you make good money”. well, i care.  i went to college a long time to do something i enjoy; not to be someone’s admin bitch.  to try to make this long story short, my job became pretty much nothing but scheduling meetings and travel for the VP of our dept who is clearly on a power trip.  i messed one thing up because i didn’t get a lot of training on it and apparently, she no longer wants me to ’support’ her.  not only is this embarassing, but apparently, it is going to result in a decrease in hours (though i don’t know how much yet).  so, my well paying  job will no longer be so well paying.  it’s bad enough i’m a contractor so i get no benefits or PTO, but now i’ll also be bringing home a lot less money.  it’s a total slap to the face.  if they wanted to hire an admin asst, they should have advertised and hired an admin asst.  i am not one and have never desired to be one.  so, it’s back on the job hunting train…yet again!  it’s so frustrating.

onward…so, NYE was pretty uneventful.  hung out with my friend Aric and then went to a gathering one of my neighbors was having.  it was fun; low-key.  however, there was definitely a ‘tension’ between me and the guy who lives above me. i’ve actually felt it since the moment i moved in.  thought maybe something would happen that night…after all, it’s NYE and everyone drinks excessively.  but, nothing happened. 

last monday, i was sitting around drinking for some reason (i was kind of depressed over something but can’t remember what).  and i was outside with the dogs when my neighbor came home. we chatted for a while and i went up to his place to hangout.  well, of course, i was drunk and i was right there was a ‘tension’.  he came down to my place and we started making out. holy moly, he’s a phenomenal kisser!  i mean, one of the best.  I was a bit surprised, though he is 36 and should be by that age.  but still.  i’ve kissed a lot of people so to kiss someone and it be that great, is a little surprising.  i was good.  we didn’t sleep together or anything.  wasn’t sure what to make of it.  but, Friday i made the mistake of having a few glasses of wine and so i stumbled upstairs to invite him down to watch a movie.  he was in the middle of something but came down a little bit later.  sure enough, didn’t take long and we were going at it.  seriously, i think i’m developing an addiction to kissing this guy.  it’s bizarre.  i’m really not at all thinking about or looking for anything else with anyone until i see what happens with Bill (who is supposedly sending resumes out here).  but, all i can think about is kissing this guy.  last night, happened again.  thankfully, i’m too smart to keep condoms  around because i know i won’t do anything without one and i know how easy it is for me to do something after drinking, so it has stayed with just some heavy making out.  but here i am again, not even drunk tonight sitting here thinking about knocking on his door to makeout tonight.  what is wrong with me?  yes, i have no doubt it has something to do with reaching my 30s.  they aren’t kidding when they say women hit their ‘peak’ at 30. the change in my libido in the last 8 or so mths has been crazy.  a lot of times it’s all i can think about.  and it’s hard to have the person you love be SO far away.  i guess that’s how i justify kissing other people. it’s all confusing and i’m trying to do what i can to get through it and stay happy.  and i guess, right now that involves making out with people….or at least with neighbor (BTW, what is it with me and my damn neighbors out here??)

so, that is a very Cliffs Notes version of the past month and a half.  a lot of other stuff happened that i really felt wasn’t necessary to mention at this point. despite not having my own laptop, i will try to start keeping up with this better.  i finally started my book and then the damn laptop crashed so i’m stuck until i get it fixed.  figures!

Needless to say Mr. Hot Pocket turned out to be an asshole….oh well, no harm no foul.  Even his friend said he was an asshole, so it’s not just me.

Anyway, back to my title.  So, I’ve been talking to this guy on FB.  We’ve never met.  Apparently, we were at the same bar on Halloween and he recognized me.  When he joined FB, it suggested people in his area and I popped up.  Anywho, he’s russian and HOT.  Holy cow!  If he looks anything like his pictures….wooza!  We message back and forth on FB several times a day, yet we’ve never met.  He had to go to Fl for a couple weeks to deal with some family stuff so he doesn’t have as much access to msg me, though he makes sure to a couple times a day.  It’s weird.  I miss him.  But, is that possible having never met him?  It’s not the same kind of missing that i have for Bill (and yes, i told him about Bill).  It’s strange.  We don’t ever talk about anything super important.  Just random chit chat.  I doubt I’ll get to meet him until after the holidays, but I guess that might be good because I’ll probably have a better understanding of what is happening with Bill.

I know the above paragraph sounds bad.  I do miss Bill…a lot!  I can’t wait to see him in 2 weeks.  Seeing someone you love once in 5mths really sucks.  I’m just hesitant that he is all talk and he really isn’t going to do anything about moving out here.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

It seems like there is always some dilemma going on….

On a brighter note, I finally started my book last night.  I barely wrote anything but  I was laying in bed and the introduction came to me.  I didn’t want to get out of bed so I grabbed my BB and created a note to get my thoughts down.  I need to really start working on it.  I’d love to be done with it in 6mths.

Wow. I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I blogged!  I’ve definitely been slacking.  A LOT has changed.  Let’s start with my living situation.  As always, though without a moment to spare, God came through.  I was able to find and rent an apt 2 days before I got evicted.  It is a condo in an huge old historical building.  The owners didn’t run a credit check, so I didn’t have to worry about that. And, I love this place even better!  It’s got so much charm.  The living room, dining room, and kitchen are one big open room, but the kitchen and d. room are elevated. While it is a garden level apt, the windows go from the ceiling down so the whole window is above ground.  And i have like 12ft ceilings so it has a ‘loft’ type feel.  The bathroom has a huge claw foot tub that I absolutely love!  And, brand new appliances, including a dishwasher.   So, the eviction turned into a blessing.  I’m also closer to downtown, which is great.  I can walk there in about 10min and take the shuttle to anywhere.

Moving on.  I finally gave Bill a deadline to make a decision.  I guess an ultimatum was a bad idea.  He said he was not ready to move.  He knew he should but he just couldn’t do it.  I cried for so long.  I was expecting that answer but it didn’t make it any easier to hear.  I also knew he would realize he made a mistake.  He called me the next day saying he missed me and it sucked us not being together.  We talked for a while that night he said he knows he needs to make a change, it’s just hard to do it.   He’s reconsidering and going to start sending out resumes here and see what happens.  I’m so happy, but still cautious and I am not putting my life on hold for him until i know he’s coming out here.  Why should I? I’ve given him plenty of opportunity to commit.  I still love him and hope more than anything that he comes out here, but I’m going to have fun in the meantime.

Halloween was an interesting weekend, but fun.  I went out Friday night with KC and a couple of his friends.  I ended up meeting a really cool girl, so that was definitely a plus!  It was a crazy night and I actually sung karaoke.  I’m pretty sure that was the first time.  The next night i was going to a party with Amanda.  That ended up being more fun than we thought.  We met some fun people and went downtown after wards.  I made the mistake of drinking wine and vodka (though not together!).  I proceeded to lose my purse 3 times throughout the evening.  By the end of the evening I had lost my keys and camera.  I start crying and I’m sure, looked like an idiot.  Everyone tried to console me, but I was freaking out about getting home to the dogs.  My landlords live in Boston, it’s not like they could just swing by and give e a set of keys.  Having no keys, Amanda and I had to stay with the guys.  After devouring a sidewalk 1am burrito, we all jumped in a cab and went back to Mike’s.  We played a bit of Wii before going to bed.  Amanda passed out on the couch, so I slept in bed with Mike. I think we kissed once before passing out.  True to form, he is 25.  The next morning we all got up and went to breakfast.  I’m obsessed with the breakfast burritos at this one place.  Right before we left, for some unknown reason, I stuck my hand in my bra and what did I discover? My keys!  Apparently, I had decided it was a good idea since I kept losing my purse.  I felt like a jackass but at least I found them.  We called the bar and amazingly enough, they had my camera! Score! It ended up being a successful night.  The place I love for breakfast serves alcohol (how can you not love that??).  So me and the one guy decided to start drinking again (i like to pretend I’m 23 sometimes).  After breakfast, everyone came to my place for some boxed wine and Anchorman.  It was fun.  We all needed a little break, but Mike was planning on coming back that evening.  He came back around 7pm and we watched a movie and proceeded to make-out for a couple hours.  That’s what happens when you drink all day.  Needless to say, I was exhausted for a couple days after that weekend.

The next weekend was fairly uneventful.  Amanda was out of town, so I decided to take it easy.  I did hangout with Mike that Friday night.  Some old school Nintendo, beer, and making out made for an enjoyable evening.  Sunday, I met up with my friend Aric to watch football.  He is also a fan of my team.  Bill and I met him when he was out here.  He’s become my Sunday Funday buddy.  I drank quite a bit.

I am happy to report i finally was able to obtain a vehicle again!  I love it.  It’s an SUV Hybrid.  Can’t believe I broke down and got an SUV, but it’s awesome.  Only problem is I cannot parallel park it and I live in the city.  It’s quite interesting to watch and I’m hoping eventually I’ll get the hang of it.

I also got an amazing job! One of the jobs I had been hoping to get.  I am making 20% more than I ever have, my boss is awesome, and I get to work from home.  Again, God came through for me.  This job has actually made me feel the 3mths of unemployment was worth it.  This job is a great opportunity and can open a lot of doors.  It will also allow me to catch up on bills quickly and start a savings.

I guess I should explain the hot pocket.  I went out Wed with my friend Kyle and his friend Shawna.  She was so much fun!   We went to a local dive bar (actually  the place Jon took me on our first ‘date’….should’ve known then he lacked class.  Anywho, this cute guy started talking to us.  I turned on the flirting a little bit to see what would happen.  I noticed there were hot pockets in the vending machine (apparently that was the bar’s way of providing food).  I pointed it out to him because i thought it was funny.  Shawna and I went outside to smoke and next thing I know, he comes outside and hands me a hot pocket!  It may be the most interesting way a guy has tried to pick me up.  But, it was so funny, it worked.  He left and went to another bar with his friends but gave me his number.  Kyle wanted to go home early so Shawna went to meet Jeremy and his friends.  We had a blast.  They were a fun group and there were fun people there.  Two crazy gay guys who were cracking me up.  And again, true to form one of them grabbed my boobs.  Apparently men, regardless of sexual orientation love boobs.  .  I lost Shawna somewhere along the way.  Jeremy came home with me and we made out for a while but then he went home.  I’m proud of myself for restraining.  I’d feel too guilty having sex with someone until I know what’s going on with Bill.  Making out is one thing, but sex is another.  Plus, since I don’t have benefits yet, I had to go off the pill and that is a chance i’m not willing to make with some random guy.

I think that pretty much brings us up to speed.  Thankfully, I have a lot of positivity in my life now.  I knew things would work out here and I guess 3 months really isn’t that long considering i moved across the country.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been and am so happy I made the decision to move!

i thought i was going to be able to actually have a 100% positive post for once.  unfortunately, i was wrong.  it seems like whenever my life starts turning around, things tank again.  to sum it up: had an amazing weekend with bill, finally got a job (and possibly 2 more offers on the way), and came home tonight to find an eviction notice from the sheriff.  meaning, i can be tossed on the street at any moment.  i finally start working and now i’m going to be homeless.  i have to call my apt people tomorrow and beg them to try to work with me.  i have nowhere to go.  well, i have a friend an hr north of here, but not having a car, that would put a damper on working.  it took me 3mths to find these jobs. the last thing i want to do is start looking again.  and, i’ve started making some good friends in the city. i don’t want to leave.

on to a happier topic.  bill came out last weekend.  i was nervous. it had been 2 1/2mths since i’d seen him and our relationship had made some major developments.  but, as soon as i saw him at baggage claim, the fears were cast aside and i was beyond happy.  i hugged him forever.  i heard someone once say “you don’t know how much you miss someone until you see them”.  i thought i knew how much i missed him, but i was wrong.  amazingly enough, i missed him even more!  we spent Friday downtown for a couple drinks. after i started to get a little tipsy, i confessed about my relationship with jon (not in great detail!). a part of me felt guilty and needed to get it off my chest. he was ok with it.  after all, we weren’t in a relationship at the time.  saturday we went to my favorite breakfast place and then up into the mountains.  it was a gorgeous day.  one thing i love about him, there is never an ‘awkward silence’.  that boy can talk more than anyone you’ve ever met…lol  it’s almost impossible to get a word in edgewise.  and he’s so funny! always making me laugh.  he actually reminds me of Chandler on ‘Friends’ because he cracks a lot of jokes when he gets nervous or uncomfortable.  that night we went to dinner.  sunday we went downtown to a sports bar to watch football.  i had some massive p.m.s going on, so i was a bit irritable, but we ended up having a great time.  i knew i was going to cry when he left, but i wasn’t prepared for my reaction (i’m sure the beer and pms did not help the situation).  we were barely in the car and the tears started flowing.  by the time we got to the airport, i was pretty much hysterical.  we ended up getting there late, so there wasn’t much time for goodbye. i told him i loved him and hoped he’d make the decision to move out here.  he told me he loved me and not to worry so much.  as he was riding the escalator down, he turned around and told me he loved me again.  i’m sure everyone in the airport thought i was nuts because i was crying so hard.  i found the nearest bar, plopped myself down and cried into a beer.  eventually i figured i should catch the shuttle home and cried the whole way.  on the walk to my apt, i stopped and got some beer and chinese food.  i came home, ate, drank, and cried until i passed out.  all in all i’d say i cried about 6-7hrs. it’s very emotionally draining.

i actually feel pretty positive about the situation.  a part of me will be surprised if he actually gets the balls to move out here, but a part of me wouldn’t be.  i know he loves me and we have a great time together.  he is good at handling my neurosis and neither one of us ever knows what’s going to come out of the other’s mouth.  keeps things interesting.  we have great chemistry and he’s coming along in the affection department.  just hearing him say ‘i love you’ in person was enough to melt my heart because i know how difficult it is for him to say it. i told him i’d give him some time to think about things.  i don’t expect him to make a decision a couple days after being out here.  but, i also told him i can’t wait forever.  i need to know if he is going to work towards getting out here.  if he isn’t, then i need to learn to move on.

a couple weeks ago, i had an interesting text conversation with jon.  he’s such an immature asshole, it isn’t even worth giving him the time to talk about it.  i’m just glad he is out of my life and i didn’t fuck things up with bill over him.

so like i said, i’ve started making some good friends out here.  i also started working.  things were finally starting to look up and now i have this eviciton mess.  will it ever end??  seems like i take 1 step forward and 5 steps back.

i’ll really try to be better about keeping up with this.  seems like i go through phases.  what i really need to do is start putting it down in book format and get that going…who knows? it could be the claim to fame i’ve been waiting for!

finally!  i’m back.  i’ve been slacking a bit…some due to my internet being disconnected (and thus having to rely on hijacking someone else’s) and some due to just plain old laziness.  but alas, i’ve returned to give you all an update on my wonderfully exciting life.  as predicted, i am down to one lucky bachelor (and i’m sure you can all guess who that is…)  here’s how it played out:

just as i suspected, i did not see TI when he was out here.  he gave me every excuse possible. i told him i was sick of him dicking me around and he always canceled on me. i felt like he only wants me when he knows he can’t have me.  he apologized and said he’d try to meet up with me…blah, blah, blah.  well, he invited me to his friend’s house saturday for a bbq. not having a car, it was going to be difficult to get there, but i said i’d try. he texted me 2hrs before i was supposed to go and told me he was already drunk. i asked him if he’d still be concious by the time i got there and he said he didn’t know.  well, there was obviously no reason for me to bother going. i was a bit peev’d by that but whatever. that was the end of that. i’m done playing his games.  what is the point of talking when he always cancels on me? i think the only reason i saw him so much before I left is because he knew i was leaving.  i should have let things go a long time ago, but i’m an emotional masochist.  i decided to let things go and move on.

things with jon ended a lot sooner and somewhat easier than i thought.  the weekend TI was in town, jon invited me to hangout with him and his friends on saturday. since i already got shunned by TI, i figured i needed to at least get out of the house and not think about it.  i didn’t want to sleep with jon so i figured if we were together around his friends, i would have to worry about that.  he made dinner for everyone and then he had a concert to go to. i went downtown with a couple of his friends.  i had a blast.  he planned on meeting up with us after the concert. i guess he left his wallet at home (who does that on a sat night?) so he couldn’t get into the bar. he texted me but i obviously didn’t hear it. he sent his friend in to get me and i didn’t want to leave. i was having a good time and actually making friends for once.  well, i guess after he sat outside for aobut 15min he left. i went out to find him and he was gone. then, i dropped my ID trying to get back in and the bouncer said i was too drunk so he wouldn’t let me back in. nice dude! way to be on a power trip.  i was freaking out because everyone i knew was still inside. as i’m standing outside trying to figure out what to do, i get a text from jon “fuck you”.  umm…ok.  next one “you self centered bitch. way to alienate the only person out here who cares about you”.  WTF?!? are you kidding me? ok. maybe i was wrong for not rushing outside to meet him.  or maybe i had every right to keep enjoying myself and not jump when he told me to.  either way, his response was completely unnecessary and not a way a guy should talk to me.  since i was drunk, i got upset but by the time i woke up the next morning i was livid.  what gives him the right to talk to me like that?? it was not my fault he left his ID at home and not being in a ‘relationship’, i had no obligation to running at his every beck and call.  and the first time he gets upset with me, that is how he reacts?? umm…no thanks.  i guess he isn’t as nice of a guy as i thought.  (i did manage to find someone to sneak me in the back of the bar so i found my group again).  he still had the spare keys to my apt from when i was gone and i left 3 beers in his fridge.  i told him to let me know when i could come get my stuff.  that week he proceeded to only call me when it was almost dark to come get my stuff.  umm…great.  i really want to walk 20min each way in the dark. by the following weekend, i was fed up.  again, he called me sunday at 6:30 to tell me he was home. he had all weekend to let me stop by. i was pissed. my friend Brad told me he’d take me after work to get it. i sent jon a text telling him i’d be there around 9pm to get my stuff.  well that ended up being more like 10pm, but i called him on the way.  no answer. got to his place. no answer.  the door guy knows me so he let me in.  went up to his apt and knocked.  no answer.  thankfully he is idiot enough to not lock his doors.  i walk in and no one is there.  both bedroom doors were closed (he has a roommate). i know he only closes his when he goes to bed.  i knock on his door several times. no answer.  so i go in. i turn on the lights and there he is ass naked curled up in the fetal position sleeping.  one of the funniest and most unattractive things i’ve ever seen! i tried looking for my keys and no luck.  so i shook him to wake him up.  he must have been passed out from smoking because it took me a good 5min to wake him up and then another 5 min to get him to comprehensibly tell me where my keys were.  i threw his sweatshirt that i had on the floor, turned off the light and told him it’d be fun doing business with him.  i grabbed my keys, the one beer still left in the fridge and i shut the door on that relationship for good.  they always start out so nice and sweet and then somewhere along the way, the true asshole surfaces.  but, like i said, it ended up being a lot faster than easier than i thought it was going to be

so that brings me to bill.  we are finally, officially a couple   not sure how or when it happened…it just happened. he comes out here in 10 days and i can’t wait! it’s hard being this far away from someone you love.  though i know it’s the only reason we are together.  he had to lose what he had to realize it. he’s slowly getting better with the whole expressing emotion thing and the fact that he would even commit to a relationship is a HUGE step forward for us.

so i’ll end it with that.  i started with 3 and ended with the one i really wanted anyway.  i have plenty more to write but will stop here for now.  this is enough to read.  i have no clue what will happen between bill and i but i am very excited to find out! (and even more excited to get laid in 10 days!  lol )

well, the trip was amazing! i had so much fun! i ate a lot, i drank a lot, and i met a lot of really fun people.  there was a group of people from UT.  of course, there was a little 25yr old cutie.  me and my younger guys!  lol…we kissed some but that’s it.  they were great to hangout with.  a couple nights Linz went to bed early because she wasn’t feeling well so i would go down to the dance club and find the UT guys.  everyone i met from the group was so nice and easy to just hangout with.  i was not all impressed with the islands.  well, i’d been to Key West & Grand Cayman before.  Unfortunately, it rained a bit on GC so we didn’t really get to see a lot of it.  Key West is well….Key West.  It’s fun and pretty, but not my ideal island when i’m thinking of a Caribbean cruise.  But I’ll get more into that stop later.  Jamaica was interesting.  A bit scary.  I did not feel safe there at all.  Linz went horseback riding, so i was all by myself.  i didn’t feel safe walking around, so i went and found a Margaritaville and sat down at the bar.  I had a couple strong drinks and started talking to the ladies sitting next to me.  the bartenders all loved me and kept making me come back behind the bar to take pictures and dance with them.  before i left, they all tried to get me to give them my email or phone, so i had to make up a bunch of fake ones.  lol  i am amazed i found my way back to the ship; i was pretty wasted.  i went back, ate a ton of room service, took a nap, and had no clue where i was when i woke up.  but at least i made it off the island alive!  i was up until at least 4am almost everyday i was gone. i was exhausted when i got home.  and i had a 12hr day of traveling.  to top it all off, i came home with a cold.  not surprising given my rockstar partying ways and the large amount of cigarettes i smoked on the ship (a very bad thing i have to stop doing when i drink).  poor Linz ended up with bronchitis.  it was well worth it. i had an awesome time!

on to Key West.  the night before was the first night on the ship.  that was the night i met the UT guys and i was up drinking pretty late.  they had a 24hr pizza place on the ship so we all headed there almost every night after the club closed down.  anywho, apparently the one guy accidentally took my camera instead of his.  i woke up the next day and freaked out because i thought i had lost another camera. i tore my room apart looking for it and even went down to lost & found.  but no luck.  i was pissed at myself for getting drunk enough to lose another camera.  and at the beginning of the trip, no less! i was freaking out about what to do and made the mistake of texting Josh to ask him where i could find a reasonably priced camera.  of course, after searching the island to find one for me, he hunted us down.  he followed us around for like 3 1/2hrs while we shopped…literally followed us.  like a little lost puppy dog.  he kept asking me about stuff and was asking me all kinds of stuff about bill.  it was weird.  towards the end we went to a bar for a couple drinks and of course, he paid.  he also at one point bought both of us a shot glass with our name on it.  very weird.  he just doesn’t seem to get it.  something isn’t clicking right in his brain.  no clue.

the trip gave me time to reflect on my drama.  i’ve pretty much written the TI thing off.  i think, again, it was all talk on his part.  he doesn’t even know if he’s going to be able to see me this weekend (after he already told me he was going to spend a night with me).  i just get the same thing from him over and over again and i can’t ever really trust his sincerity.  jon, i think is just a fling. i don’t see things going very far with him.  i think we’re looking for different things and i think we’re in different places in our lives.  i am also bothered by the fact that he smokes weed on pretty much a daily basis.  i know some people are ok with it and i’ve had a lot of people out here tell me it’s just the way it is. but, it’s not something i’m comfortable with.  i wouldn’t date someone who smoked cigarettes regularly, why would i date someone who smokes weed regularly? i keep trying to overlook it because he is sweet and i do like him but i’m not sure it’s something i can live with.  then there’s bill.  things seem to be going very well between us. he has even actually came out and vocally said he loves me.  that is HUGE for him.  i’ve complained time and time again about him not being able to express his emotions, but it seems like it’s getting easier for him.  he is becoming more comfortable with it.  i don’t expect to him to say it all the time, but it’s nice to hear occasionally.  tonight he even said it first via text.  :)  i want to see where things go with him and i’m not sure that it’s fair to him to have jon around too.  he’s coming out here in a month and i feel that i owe him to be patient for that month and see what develops.  he’s trying to give me what i want.  he’s being more open and affectionate.  the least i can do is not be fucking someone else up until the day he gets here. and i have so much going on right now with trying to find a job, and stay on my feet that trying to really start a new relationship is overwhelming.

speaking of my financial situation, i surrendered my car back to the dealership yesterday.  that was beyond depressing.  it was pretty much rock bottom for me.  i gave up my house, i killed my credit, and now i’m jobless.  i’m almost completely broke, i’m way behind on my rent, i’m unemployed, and now i’m car-less.  it’s hard not to let it get me down. i’m 30yrs old and i’m at a stand still.

however, there is good news on the horizon.  i have a 3rd interview tomorrow and feel pretty confident about it. i hope to God it will work out because if i don’t get a job soon, i will be homeless.  i’m determined to make my life out here work. i will not throw in the towel. i will get it all worked out somehow!

keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow! i need this!

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i set sail for my 6th cruise in 2 days. i am SO excited.  this couldn’t be worse timing or better timing.  i’m so broke. i have to pay my rent late to be able to have any money on this vacation.  but, i’m so stressed out, i am looking forward to a week of relaxation.  i am also looking forward to the food.  i’ve been living off of barely anything since i got here. the thought of eating 5-star food for 6 days makes me beyond ecstatic.  i plan on gaining at least 5lbs on this trip…lol  i have a couple different people taking care of the pups, so i’m a bit concerned with that but hopefully they’ll be ok.

this trip gives me a chance to forget about the guy drama and just relax.

bill & my mom were both at the same baseball game tonight, so i arranged for them to meet.  they both loved each other.  it’s always a good sign when my mom approves.  she seems to have some weird motherly 6th sense about guys. so, i trust her judgement.  he’s booking his flight to come out here this weekend.  so, within a month or so he’ll be out here and then we can see where things go.

so i’ll be MIA for a week, but i’m sure i’ll have a lot to write about when i get back

i’m spending TOO much time over analyzing all of this…i need to just go with the flow and see what happens….i think i’m trying to force one situation or the other to happen and i just need to take a step back and let nature take it’s course…i’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so i have to trust it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

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